Letting it out.

It is with immense sadness and with hopes of healing and of feeling some grief be lifted off of my heavy heart that I am writing this blog today.
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I was already so much in love with you. I had already started to picture what you would look like, and wonder if you'd be a boy or girl, if you'd be anything like Chloe or shock us with a completely different personality. I was so excited to get the nursery ready for you, something I never got to do with Chloe. We had already started to change out the computer room and move your things in. We were talking about you and to you as part of our family. I was wondering how you would change our family dynamic. How Chloe would react to you. She was just as excited about your arrival as we were. You brought so much joy to our lives and hope of having the family we have been wanting and trying to plan for. It's just so amazing that you're not with me anymore, it hurts more than anything has ever hurt before in my life. So sudden, so dream shattering. And I wonder if my tears will ever stop. If I'm not distracted you are the only thing I can think about and it breaks my heart each time. I will pray for you as well because you never got to meet your beautiful sister or wonderful daddy. But I feel like I truly met you the day I found out that I was pregnant and for that I am very thankful.
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The day we found out that you would no longer be with us, I was crying in my mom's arms and Chloe looked at me and said "Mama, you sad?" and I said "Yes Chloe, I am sad" to which she replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, you'll be ok". And she is right, I'll be ok.